The Trouble With Rubik's
by melancolie
Summary: A Metalocalypse Fan-Fic. What happens when Toki Wartooth buys a Rubik's cube?


Toki Wartooth was stumped

Toki Wartooth was stumped. There was absolutely no way to work this out, and it would be near impossible for him to try. He wasn't really that bright, and for him to solve to stupid thing, he would need help.  
Which was why he found himself, ten minutes later, outside Skwisgaar's door, knocking as if Satan himself were on his heels.

Skwisgaar (who'd just been trying to sleep) came to his door with a sour expression. He looked even more annoyed when he realized who it was knocking.  
"Whats you wants, Toki? I's tryings to sleep." He said, squinting from the sudden amount of light flooding his eyes and making him temporarily blind.  
"I buys dis puzzle, and I's tryings to solves it, but its stupid tits ass jerk puzzle. Stupids. I can'ts gets it rights. So I come here, 'cause you's smarters den me." Toki said, knowing that complimenting him might get Skwisgaar to help him.  
The flattery worked. Skwisgaar drew himself up to his full height, and said, "Steps into my offskisk. I's sees whats I can does."

Half an hour later, Skwisgaar threw the small, bright Rubik's cube across his room. Toki shrieked, but the small cube proved to be resistant to angry Swedes and stone walls.  
"Stupids dildoes puzzle can't nobodies solves it!" Skwisgaar said. His face was going pink with frustration, and he swore some more.  
"Sees whats I means! Stupids jerk tits ass puzzle can't be solves!" Toki shouted, picking up the small puzzle from the other side of the room and cradling it gently in his hands like an egg.  
Skwisgaar sat for a minute, then said, "We go talks to Nat'an. He maybes solves it."

Merely five minutes later, the two found themselves in the living room, where a complacent Nathan was sitting on the couch watching the Discovery Channel at full volume.  
"Hey, Nat'an!!" Skwisgaar shouted. Nathan didn't respond; the volume was too loud. Skwisgaar marched up to him, still irritated, and clocked the back of his head.  
"Dildos! We's tryings to talks to you." Skwisgaar said. Nathan turned the volume down.  
"Dude, fuck, what?" Nathan asked. He liked watching the Discovery Channel, and didn't like his tv time being interrupted.

"Toki buys dis stupids dildo puzzle. Can you takes a hits at it, tries solves it?" Skwisgaar asked.  
Nathan shrugged. "I dunno. I, uh… I'm not good at puzzles." He shrugged again, then held out his hand.  
Toki gave him the Rubik's cube, and Nathan looked at it. Only two seconds later, Nathan said, "So… what? What do I do with this thing, what's… what's the point of this?"  
"You gots to puts all de right colors together so all the colors make deir own sides." Toki explained.  
Nathan looked at the puzzle and said, "Dude, why'd you come to me with this? Fuck. I can't fucking… ergh… I suck at puzzles." Nathan said. "Let's try Pickles. He's kinda smart."

They would soon find Pickles in the kitchen, mixing a rather fruity drink for himself before he'd planned on getting some sleep. However, his plan was cut short when three angry bandmates shoved something small, cubic and bright under his nose.  
"Pickles. Solve that puzzle." Nathan commanded, breathing out his nose as if he'd just ran a mile.  
Pickles looked at the puzzle and grinned. "Dude, ain't dat one 'a them Rubik Cubes?" The other three nodded. "Haha. Dude, I could never solve those things. Used'ta piss me the fuck off, seriously. I'd sit in my room fer, like… hours, and still never manage ta get more than one side done." He laughed. "Hand it over, I'll take a crack at it."  
Forty-five minutes later, Pickles let out a long stream of cuss words. "Dude, ya gahtta be a fuckin' genius ta solve one 'a them things." He squinted at the puzzle. "He ain't no genius, but he does like puzzles… Let's go try Murderface."

Murderface was found in his room, gauze wrapped around his wrist, a Roadie sitting over his shoulder. Murderface looked pretty pissed off.  
"Dude, Murderface, could you do us a favor?" Pickles asked.  
Murderface grimaced. "You guysh come vizhit me for the firsht time, ever, and it'sch to ashk me fer a favor? That's a pretty douschey thing at do, ya know." He scowled. "Whaddyou want?"  
Pickles offered him the cube. Murderface glared at it. "Could you try solvin' this thing, dude? Cuz we all tried, and the stupid douche bag puzzle can't be solved."  
Murderface's scowl deepened. "I doubt it. I'm not that bright." But he picked up the cube and gave it a couple twists and turns. He spent an hour looking at the thing, and the others were watching him with slight interest. He managed to get an entire side solved, then glared at it and said, "Thish izh imposchible. There'zh absholutely no way to sholve thisch thing."

The five members of Dethklok glared at the small, innocent cube, and suddenly, Skwisgaar said, "Waits, guys! The butlers guy! Wits de glasses! He's smarts, rights? Maybe he solves it!"  
Pickles stood up. "Dude, right!! Ahfdenson could prob'ly solve this thing, no sweat!"  
The five of them ran towards Charles' office enthusiastically. Even Murderface joined them to see the solving of the stupid puzzle.

Charles, who sensed them coming only by the sudden pain in his temples, was not surprised to see the five of them come barging in his office without knocking.  
"Dude, Ahfdenson! We gatta major problem!" Pickles shouted.  
Charles was on high alert in an instant.  
"What happened?" He asked. He prepared for the worst; one of the Roadies were killed? Rockzo was back? Twinkletits was eaten by the yard wolves again?  
Toki showed him the puzzle. Charles stared at it for five seconds, then said, "…That's the problem?"  
The five guys nodded.  
"There's no fire?"  
They shook their heads.  
"The Roadies aren't fighting again?"  
Again, they shook their heads.  
"Rockzo isn't back?"  
They shook their heads again.

"So, let me get this straight. You guys run in here, scream about an emergency, and have nothing to show for it… but a Rubik's Cube." Charles said slowly.  
"Ja. Stupids dildo puzzle can'ts nones of us solves it!" Skwisgaar said.  
Charles shut his eyes, and put his hand on his forehead in a classic "Face-Palm" gesture. He held out his free hand for the cube. Toki handed it to him, and Charles put it on his desk. Still in face-palm mode, he pointed at his door.  
"Give me five minutes." Charles said, pointing to the door. They stepped outside, and shut the door behind them.

"Dude, do you seriously think he'll be done with it in five minutes?" Pickles asked.  
Nathan shrugged. "I dunno. He's pretty smart. Those things prob'ly take him, like… two minutes. He's probably gloating." Nathan frowned. Then scowled. "That douche bag is probably finished with it by now!"  
Instead of waiting all five minutes, Nathan pushed the door open to find Charles with bright colored stickers all over his hands. He was carefully putting all the stickers back on, each color with it's matching colors on one side. He didn't seem the least bit shocked when the five came stumbling in.  
Toki saw this spectacle and said, "You's cheatings!"  
Charles nodded grimly, then put the last sticker in place. "That may be so, but I solved it, didn't I?"


End file.
